Finding enough selfconfidence to accept “REAL LOVE”
Growing up I was always the ugly duck, as I call myself now. Just not quiet pretty enough for the good-looking boys but could hang with the boys from band and all. I had a few dates in High school and I actually went to my senior prom alone. You get told things enough you start to believe them. When you’re not given the tools to on how to fight the negative stuff, you eventually given in to it and it will do a BIG number on your head. It’s taken a lot of work the last few years to find out a few things and to start to accept the things I just can’t do anything about and start finding the confidence to change the things I know I can and that need changed. I just turned 50 and I am still struggling at times with the self confidence that I really am OK. I can put up a front and hide how I truly feel but there are times like tonight that I am have doubt in that confidence to just let go and keep going.
I have been given the gift of an amazing relationship, which is teaching me what I call “REAL LOVE” but I’m having a really tough time finding enough self-confidence to just accept it and feel that I am really worthy of it. I have gotten hurt in the past and I keep myself really guarded at times. This is one of those times where I have gotten hurt and having a hard time getting past what I know I need to let go of. Here’s why I’m having a REAL struggle about all this……
Growing up I always had to work TWICE as hard to stand on my merit. I got referred to ask Tim’s (brother) sister or Gene and Edith’s (parents) daughter. I have never really known how to stand on my own. WHO I really was and WHAT I truly believed in. My father was a Baptist minister so I got that label of being a “Preachers Kid.” Certain things were always EXPECTED of me. In high school I was in band and on the school newspaper, and was able to eventually stand on my own with a hell of a lot of work. Always loved writing as long as I can remember and I keep writing to keep improving. It’s always a work in progress and probably will be until my time here in this life is over. My Dad was never really there when I needed him and I never got what I call the REAL life tools. Never heard him say he was proud of me, got much encouragement or those things a Dad is supposed to give their kids. I tried when raising my girls to make sure they had their own identity and they knew I was so proud of them. I got to be known as Kendria and Alisha’s Mum and I was fine with that. I wanted them to be strong women with self-confidence and I did the best I could to give that to them. I am so proud of them today even more for everything they have faced and won, I know there is so much more in life that they will have to face and I know they will do it with grace and style.
Through events in my life my self-confidence has taken many a hit. I kept getting back up and kept going because I had to. Not taking the time to really fix what I knew needed no clue on who to ask or how to go about it. I keep finding my self going back to the “what if”….I made the decisions at the time with the best tools I was given. What if I had better self-confidence…would I still be here now or would things be different? The funny thing in asking that is I know the answer……GOD has always known from before I was even born what my life would be, where I would go, and the people I would encounter in my journey. What I don’t get is that WHY I don’t have the self-confidence in my life NOW to really except the true gifts I have right in front of me? Why can’t I get the facts that I really AM good enough, I have better confidence to truly see that I have a great set of core values, and that I really worth of accepting true love and just enjoy what is right here. Is it the plain fact that I have been screwed over so many times by people who I am just really afraid to just go for it. When I can see that what is being given to me is really safe, and would give me so much more in my life. I have these periods that I do let go but then I don’t what I going on and I start second guessing.
I have someone who I am really close to, and it’s an amazing relationship. I do totally trust this person but WHY can’t I have the confidence to totally let go and just enjoy. I can see that there is so much I can learn but I keep putting up road blocks and not trusting that I will be OK I have been OK this far, im still here and pretty OK Is it because I have just dealt with the negative for so long that the positive really scares me? What is wrong with me that I just can’t let go of not being worth it when I REALLY am?? I can see it all I just don’t know how to get there? How can I really have the self-confidence to totally give in to the one thing I have wanted my whole life, to have one person in the world who TRULY loves me. I have had to make adjustments of late and learn to make do with very little. I have never lived on my own, functioned as a single at times to get myself through. Do I bury myself in projects to get through and ignore how much it hurts and find a way to keep the hurt and disappointment at bay?
Lots of questions and not many answers
So Here’s the question……How do you find enough SELF CONFIDENCE to just accept who you really are?