Right now I actually feel broke and I am really trying to figure out how to get myself fixed and back where I want to be. When I started going through the life change I knew that things would be a huge challenge. Letting go of the fact that I no longer could have any more kids. It is just the course of life and I really don’t have much control. So far I have been not too bad but when I just cry for no reason or over something so stupid it really catches me off guard.
Everything was going great, the blog work is heaps and I am loving it. Thinking about starting my fourth blog. My girls night out in Sydney was just amazing and I can’t thank Judy for a mind-blowing weekend. Seeing Darren Percival was amazing and even better with you.
Then….everything changed in the matter of just a few minutes. Getting to the airport and making the flight but somewhere in the a collapsed lung has changed everything and to be honest I am still really angry that it happened. There was nothing I could do to stop it, was just one of those things that just happen. The one thing I want to know is WHY ME?
Now, after a four night hospital stay, I finally got home but really frustrated that doing just simple things would tired me out. I could do almost nothing and need a two or three-hour nap. Those frustrations have passed but I still need that extra nap of times. I had to put my race walking on hold during this time but I will have to actually start from scratch when I am finally medically cleared to walk again.
I just start to get up and it just feels like someone or something decided that I need knocked down again. I got knocked down again and I have a lot of self-doubt as I write this. You know when you “think” that you are part of a group and all, you invest emotionally and all and then you find out that you really were not a part of the group after all. That happened to me a couple of nights ago, and I can’t tell you how it has hurt, been devastating in a way. All night all I could think was “What did I do to deserve this?” I was excluded from the group because I was NOT on OFFLINE friend. Been wondering all day what is wrong with me that I was not good enough to be a part of things. I cleared out my Twitter feed of the negative so I could at least be on-line and that I wouldn’t have it constantly thrown in my face all evening what was taking place and how I was no longer a part of the group.
Other issues have taken place today and I just feel like maybe it’s just best to stay down for a while. Stay low and out of everyone’s way. Just quietly go about my blog work and knitting and crocheting. Taking care of the house and basically going back to keeping myself safe and not allowing how I feel to get to my self-confidence. Here is my question “How am I suppose to do that?”
Sometimes we all feel broke and not sure how to fix ourselves and regain that confidence we need to take on the world.
Right now that is exactly what I am trying to figure out.