Tonight I feel, lost and alone, numb and empty. Guess I have opened this entry to try to figure out what next.
The election is finally over. That was a long hard 18 months of emotional and physical work to get one main goal accomplished and that was done. We got Nick re-elected. It was hard and on top of everything else going on, we made it. I have never wanted something so much as I did for Nick to get back in office. It was the one thing that I could control. The rest of the country would make their own choice, knowing it was going to end wrong. I cried that night when Kevin was giving his speech, it was the realization that it was all over, WE, meaning Labor would be in opposition. We have finally signed off on our part of things and are now on break. The state election is in March and that will be another round of work, not quiet as hard but there will be things to do.
The City to Bay race is now over and all, I am in recovery mode and still feeling sore tonight. I am over the mood with the accomplishment of finishing. The devastation of the collapsed lung and I never thought I would make it. There was a no real cause that the doctors could find for the cause of what happened. That 6 weeks of recuperating was the worse, causing a lot of self-doubt and wondering if I would even be able to make it. Now that things are done and dusted, it’s a really good feeling. I accomplished more than I expected this year. Making it in a personal best time. I knew just crossing the finish line was the main goal but I had more at stake, I had emotional reasons for closing the chapter on this year’s race. Next year I can train sooner and longer to be even stronger and be mentally stronger to maybe tackle the 12 kilometers.
One project I really thought would help me get through the letting go of things has taken an unexpected turn and it’s not out of my hands. I was hoping to work on a piece or two with the other person in the project, but it does not look like it will happen after all. It’s another loss to mourn in a way, It is the main reason I think for the feelings of being useless, not needed or what now. I was counting on the project to help me get through and now it’s not there. Where do I go from here is the question?
The baseball blog will close one chapter soon but the playoffs will start, I love following the White Sox and will be going again next season. Deciding which team to follow for the post season, Boston is how I am leaning towards because of my Jake is pitching there now. My Sorority Sisters will understand that comment. Football season is going on also, that is in the mix, figuring out how to write the blog and plenty of games to watch.
I usually have a back up in place, when I get in this spot I have something to read, to keep in my Gmail in box, a project that I can go to, used to help fill the games of just plain feeling lost and abandoned.
There is a to do list as long as my arm, so much that need done and I don’t know where to start. I keep getting the feeling that what I need to do is just bury myself in work and just ignore how I am feeling. Stop putting my feelings into words and causing problems, that is all verbalizing my feelings is doing.
I am not sure that this has given me any answers, just more uncertainty?
Guess it is just a wait and see time, see if any answers will come my way