Dear Self,

I know what I am feeling is nothing compared to some of my friends who I know are really struggling right now. I send them my love and prayers that things will get better and soon.

I know the body is changing and there is nothing I can do, it’s just life. I got my tubes tied years ago but it still doesn’t change the fact that a part of my life is over.

Some of my work is coming to an end with the regular baseball season ending soon, there is still the playoffs and if the Giants make the World Series then my work is still going.

The Crows are playing in postseason and that has been an emotional roller coaster mixed with some amazing experiences that I won’t trade for anything. We have built banners, been on Adelaide Oval numerous times. Even started a blog from Phil’s request, it really hurt that he made the request and has never really taken the time to really read it. If you know my work by now you know I put my heart and soul into every piece.

College Football and NFL have started so that will keep me hopping for a bit til baseball  and the Crows end.

I am in search of a positive, that one thing I can go to when I feel the exact way I do now as I write this.  I feel more alone. Just wishing for someone to listen at times, let me bounce ideas off of. I am working work but and maybe it’s just me, I don’t feel supported it what I am working my arse off to accomplish.

I wear my heart on my sleeve and it does get me in trouble a lot, but that is just me, it’s who I am. I have always put everyone else first and it’s taken a long time to learn to take care of me.

I don’t trust very well but when I do it seems like I always get hurt, things don’t go how I  guess I think they should.

I told someone who maybe I needed to be the heartless bitch workaholic to get through this. If I just ignore how I feel and put my head down and bum up as they say here in Australia maybe I can keep the feelings at bay, or maybe not but it’s the only plan I got now.

I am not even sure the book will get published when I was hoping to.

Tired of asking for help, I know what I need but no one seems interested in helping out  just a little.

Just to have that go to project would be amazing and would help out more than anyone understands.

The question is — How do I find that positive to save my sanity?